Crazy is as crazy does

“Or maybe we should simply refuse to believe <insert cause du jour> is the default setting for superhero comics.”

The above quote is from the last paragraph of this article. It implies fighting for a cause to create a reality by denying existing reality.

For the better half of my life, I’ve been fighting for various causes…by denying existing reality. On a personal level, taken to its “logical” extreme, this translated to the following:

  • If I’m angry, I deny that I’m angry
  • If I’m happy, I deny the existence of happiness

Effectively, I deny my own emotional existence and unknowingly my own survival(!) for the purpose of achieving a reality that is not yet in existence. Why do I do this? I do it partly because I do not have the nerve to hold a discourse with another person (anxiety, agoraphobia, or what have you). Losing all confidence in myself, I remain quiet. And thus I start to create a universe for myself and I live in it.

But I crave acceptance in society and expect others to magically understand me without me having to open my mouth. An unrealistic expectation.

Lacking confidence, I resort to shouting as the eventual mode of making my reality come true. And, eventually, tired of shouting and unable to understand my own predicament, I resort to crying; admiring people who can eloquently explain themselves / argue “efficiently”; etc.

That’s my craziness.

The crazy person inside me will expect another person to act in a similar crazy manner. For example, if someone else tells me that they are angry, I’ll go, “Eh, don’t give your anger any importance.” Over time, you develop a jaded mindset.

  • Applied to the breakup scenario: I create this certain brand of stalker syndrome where I deny the existence of the anger resulting from the breakup and keep going back as if nothing has happened. I deny reality in the hopes of a “better world.”
  • Applied to the period of the actual relationship: without discourse between two people, I resort to manipulation.

The above is the bad news.

The good news is that I’m, hopefully, no longer gasping for air because I’ve learned to overcome my shame and fear and thus allow myself to think a bit more clearly.

Next steps are for me to get a foothold as I try to reconcile existing reality with the reality that I desire.

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